Sitting On A Fence—Who Am I?!(My Story) Part 4


Part 3

Sitting / standing on a fence. That is how I feel when I think about my life(before / after).

I decided this was looking long winded. So, I’m dividing things into manageable parts. I’m trying to just hit the important highlights, but sometimes I fell like more explanation is needed. Sorry if I drone at times.

The Before


The above picture is the perfect imagery for what I feel mentally when I allow my pity to wander.

One bird(Me)looking to one side of the fence. Me(bird) seeing the Me before(seeing the 1st 23 years of my life) The before of  the Me now. If I am going to be totally honest it is getting harder and harder to remember that Me.

The thought of not being able to remember all those important memories is a little scary. Years ago I made scrapbooks for each of my kids’. However, it is not the same and much has happened since.

I missed a lot when my oldest moved in with his Dad at 15 years old. The same with my youngest who moved in with his Dad at 18 years old. I realize now that I The reason I have missed so much is because of how my medical condition was at the time. It caused them to distance themselves.

Today my medical condition has not changed, it has even gotten worse. However, approximately a year ago a doctor that Had been treating me for 14 years decided he was just going to close his office. He did this without any warning, he just locked his door and disappeared.

I had to wait for the state to go through the motions to get my medical records and have them sent to me. This took approximately 4 months. I will admit  this doesn’t seem like an exorbitant amount of time, but it seemed like forever.

Here are some important facts that made the 4 months feel like years:

  • I could not get in to see any new doctor, they wanted medical records(I didn’t have)
  • The would be new doctor’s did not care why I did not have my medical records
  • No new appointments as the new doctor’s wanted a referral
  • I of course could not get a referral as I had no doctor
  • I was going to run out of medications
  • I tried to slowly wean myself off my medications, as I couldn’t see a new doctor
  • I became extremely ill(physically)past the time length withdrawals would last
  • The above caused my regular medical conditions to worsen
  • I am still struggling w/ issues that started during this period of time
  • I finally could not take the way I was feeling anymore and went to the ER
  •  ER was a waste of time, they ran no tests, didn’t help with pain, and sent me home
  • I get excruciating cramps everywhere they aren’t being helped by electrolytes, potassium, or magnesium.

The After & present


Then we have the other little (Me)bird. Me(bird #2)  looking on the other side of the fence. Seeing the after(Me)(23 +/-years ago to now).

Unfortunately, my current circumstances(none of this COVID19 junk)just my everyday life, the  past 23 + / – years of my life up to current times.

No matter what I do(the little I’m able)due to severe chronic pain(and a litany of other medical stuff)is always taking half(or more)of my mental focus. It is NENER not in the background of my thoughts.

The pain is always in background. Obviously this distracts me from ANY & ALL  thoughts I may have or be having.

When I was finally able to get into see a doctor. Caught a break for once. The doctor I got into immediately took me off some medications which was perfectly fine with me. Then lhe put me on two new meds.

In the past I had been on each of these medications separately. The doctor explained to me that separately they do nothing. He explained that they have to be taken together to get any benefit from the medications.

The doctor was right, I did notice a difference. I’m not sure where exactly I noticed the difference, all I can say is I did feel some difference. As I was still experiencing a lot of pain the doctor increased the medicines a little when I went back for a check in. On the 3rd visit he did not want to change the medications at the time as it had only been 4 weeks. He explained that it takes at least six weeks for the full benefit of medications to take effect.

I was greatly disappointed at my next visit to find out that the doctor I was seeing was going to start being the boss of the 2 office he owned and wasn’t going to see patients anymore. I have been so distracted by this disappointment that I have forgotten to see if they could increase those medications up a little to see if they would help more as my pain is still the biggest distraction over everything made worse by everything;

  • Fibromyalgia
  • Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
  • Major depressive and anxiety disorder
  • sleep apnea(on a a Bipap Machine)
  • Sever all over body pain
  • Pain of simply touching of my skin, joints, hair, teeth, and bones
  • Sleeping issues(Pulmonary doc took me off knockout medication)
  • Back problems, previous back fractures due to excessive falling
  • Can’t stand or walk for any period of time
  • Migraines…..However, I am told they are muscle tension headaches. What is the difference? Oops Oh yea, the difference is that no OTC and no migraine medicines will work to give me relief from them.

I have had so many different test, being poked and prodded over and over, had so much blood work I am sometimes I am surprised I have any left. Let’s not forget MRI’s and x-rays over and over. Even when I can barely close my hands the x-rays say there is no swelling. I do not understand how this can possibly happen.

How can I be such a total mess and every single test come back normal? I am obviously not normal.


Interested in all parts?

Sitting On A Fence—Who Am I?!—Part 1

Sitting On A Fence—Who Am I?!—Part2

Sitting On A Fence—Who Am I?!—Part 3


I ❤️ love to hear your thoughts so feel free leave a comment





  1. I read this and I’m still shuddering.
    I am looking for some words of comfort and coming up with nothing.
    Thank you for following Sound Bite Fiction.


    • No worries, just telling my story. I felt my profile needed updating and thought this the best way to do it now that I have quite a few followers’, and people I talk to. Thanks for the thought though.

      Liked by 1 person

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